Payroll Department Opens Register As Spurs Web Says Van Hecke And Gallagher Sit On Two Yellows

The payroll department of a mid-sized North London firm has opened a formal register of Tottenham yellow cards, following a report from Spurs Web that no player in the squad is close to a suspension.

The register, which runs to one page, was ratified at 9:40am on Friday and is kept in a lever arch file labelled only with the word Cards.

It records, as per FotMob, that Jan Paul van Hecke and Conor Gallagher are each on two. Archie Gray, Mateus Fernandes, Micky van de Ven and Destiny Udogie are on one apiece. The department confirmed that nobody else has been entered, and that the rest of the page has been left blank on purpose.

It is understood that five by the nineteenth fixture is one game. I have written it on a sticky note and put the sticky note on the second monitor.

The clerk responsible said the thresholds had been explained to the whole office twice, once on Tuesday and once again after someone asked about the ten. Ten before the thirty-second fixture is two matches. Fifteen by the end of the season is three. The department has confirmed it does not expect to need the fifteen.

The register also notes, without comment, that Tottenham received four red cards and 97 yellow cards last season in the Premier League. A member of the team has been asked to stop reading that figure aloud near the kettle.

Rodrigo Bentancur is currently serving a three-match suspension, which the department has filed under a separate heading, in a different pen, and has not discussed since.

The register will next be updated after Coventry City on Monday, subject to someone remembering the file.