A tiny supporter stretches a huge tape measure across an empty forecourt towards a distant footballer in a white shirt.

Match ReportThe High Road Herald

Supporter Measures Forecourt With Tape To Find Space Mathys Tel Will Lose After Hat-Trick Against Switzerland

Desmond Parry · Chief Football Correspondent7 October · Reading time: one pint

Spurs Web reports that Mathys Tel scored a hat-trick for France U21s against Switzerland on Tuesday, and adds that he will get less time and space in the Premier League.

A Tottenham man arrived at the stadium forecourt at 8:15am on Wednesday with a 30 metre tape measure, a clipboard and a flask, and began establishing how much space Mathys Tel will not be given in the Premier League.

The work follows a report by Spurs Web that Tel scored a hat-trick for France's U21s against Switzerland on Tuesday, and that such goals have come against poor opposition. The same report states he is unlikely to get as much time or space on the ball in England.

The man read the final sentence several times at his kitchen table and concluded that the matter was one of measurement.

They've said less space. Fine. Less than what? Somebody has to put a number on it, and it may as well be me.

By mid-morning he had marked the forecourt in chalk at one metre intervals, with a separate column for what he described as Swiss space and a second, smaller column headed Premier League space. The second column was blank at the time of going to press.

A stadium steward, who was passing, confirmed that the forecourt is eleven metres wide at the turnstiles and that nobody had asked him to confirm it. The man wrote the figure down and underlined it twice.

The Herald understands he intends to repeat the exercise on the Lane itself once the pigeon has finished with the tape.

At 1:40pm he stopped for a sandwich and recorded the result as inconclusive.

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An illustrated celebrating footballer seen from behind on a night pitch, while tiny committee members at a table with a huge gavel reach for a plate of biscuits.

TransfersThe High Road Herald

Residents' Association Adjourns Julian Alvarez Item For Twelve Months, Citing Football Insider, And Moves To Biscuits

Barry Napier · Transfer Correspondent6 October · Reading time: one pint

Football Insider reports that Tottenham will not be in genuine contention for the Atletico Madrid striker in the next 12 months, and the committee has noted that the item was number seven.

A local residents' association has adjourned its item on Julian Alvarez for twelve months, following a report by Football Insider that Tottenham Hotspur will not be in genuine contention for the Atletico Madrid striker in that period.

The decision was taken at the committee's monthly meeting, held in a first floor office with a second monitor that nobody has been able to switch off since March. The Alvarez matter was item seven, below the bins and above the gutter on the corner.

The chair told members that the report cites sources, that the sources are not named, and that the word understood appears in it once. The report was accepted as read.

It is understood that their chances are extremely limited. We have minuted it as understood, which is the most we can do.

The committee noted that Alvarez was linked with Arsenal and Barcelona in the summer, that Atletico Madrid rebuffed all offers, and that the report states he is still holding out for Barcelona. Members also noted that Tottenham signed ten players in the summer and sit bottom of the Premier League. The secretary was asked to record this without comment.

The secretary then asked whether extremely limited was a measurable quantity. The chair ruled that it was not, and the phrase was moved to Any Other Business, where it remains.

A motion to revisit the matter in October 2027 was carried four to one. The dissenting member said he had been saying since August that it would never happen, and asked that this be noted.

Biscuits were then served.

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