An illustration of a tiny supporter fencing off a stadium forecourt with a giant ball of garden twine while a distant white-shirted dribbler trails starbursts.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Dribbling Stats Say Spurs Attack Is About To Explode, So Supporter Cordons Forecourt With Garden Twine

Philippa Crane · Media Editor13 October · Reading time: one pint

Spurs Web reports that Kudus, Savio, Tel and Marmoush occupy the top four places for successful dribbles per 90 in the Premier League, while Tottenham have scored three goals in six games.

A Tottenham man spent Tuesday morning cordoning off the forecourt of the stadium after reading that the club's attack is "about to explode".

The claim appeared on Spurs Web, which noted that Spurs have scored three goals in six Premier League games, leaving only newly promoted Coventry worse off. The same article added that the underlying numbers tell a different story.

The numbers in question are dribbles. According to WhoScored, Mohammed Kudus, Savio, Mathys Tel and Omar Marmoush hold the top four places in the division for successful dribbles per 90 minutes, with Kudus on 5.7, Savio on 4.9, Tel on 3.5 and Marmoush on 3.2.

The man read these figures twice at the kitchen table, then went to the shed. He has interpreted the word explode in the manner of a council safety officer.

It says about to. Nobody puts about to in a headline unless they've seen something. I'm not having anyone's nan wander into it.

He has established a perimeter of fourteen garden canes and one length of twine, which he describes as "provisional". The cordon covers roughly a third of the forecourt, at a safe distance from the megastore, and is intended to protect the public from a blast radius he has not yet been able to measure.

The Herald understands he has also read that Savio completed five successful dribbles against Manchester United, and has placed the hard hat on a bollard as a precaution.

At time of going to press the forecourt remained empty, and the twine had been shortened by a passing pigeon.

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A tiny faceless supporter stands behind an oversized blank white shirt panel outside a stadium at dusk, offering his chest as empty advertising space.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Supporter Offers Chest As Front-Of-Shirt Space Outside Stadium After AIA Exit Report Warns Of £75m Loss

Philippa Crane · Media Editor13 October · Reading time: one pint

Former Everton chief executive Keith Wyness told Football Insider that Tottenham could lose £75m over five years once AIA leave the front of the shirt, and Sidiz will already have left by the end of October.

A Tottenham man has taken up a position on the forecourt of the stadium and is accepting offers for the front of his chest, following a report that the club could lose as much as £75m in sponsorship revenue.

The Herald understands the report originated at Spurs Web, which was drawing on remarks made by Keith Wyness to Football Insider, in which the former Everton chief executive set out the difference between £50m a season and £35m a season over a five-year period.

The man, who has held a season ticket for some time, has read the figures three times and concluded that the matter is now a question of available space.

If AIA are going to training kit, somebody has to be at the front. I've got a perfectly good front.

The Herald can confirm that AIA have been front-of-shirt sponsor for 12 years and will move to training kit apparel from the 2027-28 season. Sidiz, the South Korean furniture company, will end its own partnership at the close of October, an arrangement the man described as regrettable before asking whether furniture was still an option.

He has fixed a board to his chest, set up a folding table, and made available a clipboard on which enquiries may be recorded. By midday there had been one enquiry, from a man asking for the megastore.

The supporter has set his own figure at the £35m mark, which he said was realistic, and has declined to go lower until after Christmas, by which time he expects the team to be challenging for Europe, as Mr Wyness put it. Fabrizio Romano has reported that the board continues to trust Roberto De Zerbi, a point the man has taken as grounds to hold firm.

He is expected to remain on the forecourt until the flask runs out.

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