A very tall faceless striker ducks under a giant doorframe on a football pitch while two small office workers measure him with an oversized tape.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Office Committee Orders Doorframe Check After TEAMtalk Says Spurs Keep Tabs On Dion Beljo

Philippa Crane · Media Editor13 October · Reading time: one pint

TEAMtalk reports that Tottenham are monitoring Dinamo Zagreb striker Dion Beljo, 24, who has 12 goals and six assists in 13 appearances this season, and the committee has opened seven tabs in response.

The Facilities Committee of a North London office has convened an emergency sitting after TEAMtalk reported that Tottenham Hotspur are monitoring Dinamo Zagreb striker Dion Beljo, who stands at 6ft 5in.

The committee, which meets in the room with the second monitor, resolved within four minutes that the phrase keeping tabs should be taken literally. Seven tabs were opened by 10:15am.

It is understood the report adds that Manchester United and Everton are also keeping tabs, with Brentford and Chelsea said to be showing an interest. The committee has noted this and opened a further tab for each, then closed two by accident.

We are treating this as a live situation. Nobody is to touch the second monitor.

The report records that Beljo has scored 12 goals in 13 appearances this season, and that the Premier League clubs are assessing the possibility of a move in the January window. The committee has been assessing the possibility of a new kettle since March.

A site visit was carried out at 11:30am. The committee measured the doorframe to the stationery cupboard, found it to be a doorframe, and recorded the figure of 6ft 5in in the minutes without comment on whether anyone had checked it.

A motion to open an eighth tab was deferred pending a second source. The second monitor remains on, and the committee has been asked to stop sharing it.

The doorframe has been left as it was found.

Send this to a mate

Before you go

The Monday Post-Mortem

The match report, in your inbox the morning after every game.

Free. One email per fixture. Unsubscribe whenever you like.

A tiny householder in a dressing gown inspects an enormous left football boot on a kitchen table, next to a coffee cup and four footballs.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Householder Counts Yang Min-hyeok Westerlo Goal Four Times Over Coffee And Finds One Left Foot

Philippa Crane · Media Editor13 October · Reading time: one pint

Tottenham winger Yang Min-hyeok scored in Westerlo's 5-1 win over Royal Antwerp, according to a football website, and the same goal was his first of the Belgian season and the third time he had come off the bench.

A Tottenham householder spent Tuesday breakfast reading the same goal in four places, and reports that it grew slightly each time he moved to a new page.

The goal was scored by Yang Min-hyeok in Westerlo's 5-1 win over Royal Antwerp. It was his third substitute appearance of the Belgian season. He has not started yet. This was the first version, and the householder describes it as the most modest.

By the second website the goal was incredible. By the third it had a chop, and the chop was described as insane. By the fourth it was one of the best goals by a winger in European football this week, which the householder noted was a considerable promotion for a left foot.

The Herald has laid all four side by side on a kitchen table. Each contains the same score, the same far post, the same edge of the box and the same chop. None contains a quote, a second source or a replay.

It's a chop. It says chop in all of them. I just wanted to be sure it was the same chop.

One website printed every paragraph twice, which the householder first took for emphasis and then for a fault in the toaster. He has since concluded it was simply the website.

All four sites agree that Tottenham are desperate to see the skill, composure, technical quality, speed and finishing on display. None says who at Tottenham is desperate, or how desperate, or since when.

The householder finished his coffee at the fourth version and has asked for it to be recorded that the goal was good the first time.

The toast went cold at the second paragraph.

Send this to a mate

Before you go

The Monday Post-Mortem

The match report, in your inbox the morning after every game.

Free. One email per fixture. Unsubscribe whenever you like.