A tiny householder in a dressing gown inspects an enormous left football boot on a kitchen table, next to a coffee cup and four footballs.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Householder Counts Yang Min-hyeok Westerlo Goal Four Times Over Coffee And Finds One Left Foot

Philippa Crane · Media Editor13 October · Reading time: one pint

Tottenham winger Yang Min-hyeok scored in Westerlo's 5-1 win over Royal Antwerp, according to a football website, and the same goal was his first of the Belgian season and the third time he had come off the bench.

A Tottenham householder spent Tuesday breakfast reading the same goal in four places, and reports that it grew slightly each time he moved to a new page.

The goal was scored by Yang Min-hyeok in Westerlo's 5-1 win over Royal Antwerp. It was his third substitute appearance of the Belgian season. He has not started yet. This was the first version, and the householder describes it as the most modest.

By the second website the goal was incredible. By the third it had a chop, and the chop was described as insane. By the fourth it was one of the best goals by a winger in European football this week, which the householder noted was a considerable promotion for a left foot.

The Herald has laid all four side by side on a kitchen table. Each contains the same score, the same far post, the same edge of the box and the same chop. None contains a quote, a second source or a replay.

It's a chop. It says chop in all of them. I just wanted to be sure it was the same chop.

One website printed every paragraph twice, which the householder first took for emphasis and then for a fault in the toaster. He has since concluded it was simply the website.

All four sites agree that Tottenham are desperate to see the skill, composure, technical quality, speed and finishing on display. None says who at Tottenham is desperate, or how desperate, or since when.

The householder finished his coffee at the fourth version and has asked for it to be recorded that the goal was good the first time.

The toast went cold at the second paragraph.

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Supporter Measures Stadium Gate At Four Inches After Fichajes Says Porro Keeps Door To Barcelona Ajar

Fichajes reports that Pedro Porro is considering a return to Spain with Barcelona keen, despite a contract running until 2031, and that he is returning from around a month out injured.

A Tottenham man spent the early hours of Tuesday outside the stadium establishing precisely how far open a door can be before it is no longer deliberately ajar.

He arrived shortly after seven, having read overnight that Pedro Porro is considering a return to Spain, with Barcelona keen on his services, according to Fichajes. The report adds that Porro signed a contract extension until 2031, and that the door to Spain nonetheless remains deliberately ajar.

The man, who has not been inside the stadium since the spring, took the final phrase as an operational instruction.

It says deliberately. Somebody has to be deliberate about it. It's not going to be the club.

By twenty to eight he had located a service gate on the west side, pulled it to a gap of roughly four inches, and secured it with a wooden wedge borrowed from a neighbour's kitchen. He then measured the gap with a tailor's rule, noted the figure on the back of a parking permit, and measured it again.

The Herald understands the same report describes Barcelona as facing financial constraints, and that the club is unlikely to entertain a sale for anything less than a substantial fee. The man has accordingly kept the gap narrow enough that nothing of substance could get through, and wide enough to be seen from the road.

A passing groundsman asked whether the gate was meant to be left like that. The man replied that it was not a question for the groundsman. He remained at his post throughout the morning, adjusting the wedge by what our correspondent estimated as a sixteenth of an inch whenever the wind changed.

The report states that Porro is fully focused on returning to action after around a month out. The man has noted this, and has moved the wedge back a quarter inch.

At press time the gate was holding at four inches, and a second wedge had been requested.

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