A small figure in a white shirt drags a giant park bench across a stadium forecourt with nine tiny people seated on it.

Match ReportThe High Road Herald

Kulusevski Named On Bench Against Coventry And Tottenham Man Carries Park Bench To Forecourt, Seating Nine

Desmond Parry · Chief Football Correspondent19 October · Reading time: one pint

Dejan Kulusevski is on the Tottenham bench against Coventry tonight, according to the Evening Standard, after more than 500 days out with a kneecap injury, and Roberto De Zerbi has named nine substitutes in all.

A Tottenham man has carried a full-size park bench to the stadium forecourt, after reading that Dejan Kulusevski is on the bench against Coventry and concluding that someone ought to provide one.

The bench, which our correspondent understands was taken from a recreation ground, arrived shortly after nine on Monday morning on a sack truck, and was positioned facing the closed gates at an angle the man described as tactical.

The Evening Standard reports that Kulusevski has been out since May 2025 with a complicated kneecap injury that needed two surgeries and kept him away for more than 500 days. The man has read the figure several times and says he has factored it in.

Five hundred days. You can't just stand him on the touchline. He needs a proper seat, with a back to it.

Roberto De Zerbi confirmed at his Sunday press conference that Kulusevski would be among the substitutes. De Zerbi has named nine in total, and the man has accordingly marked out nine places along the slats using a piece of chalk and a tape measure.

Only eight fit. The ninth place, at the far end, has been taken by a flask and a folded coat, which the man says are holding it for Kulusevski until kick-off.

The man is aware that Savio, Pedro Porro and Lucas Bergvall are all missing from the squad. He considered a second bench for them, then a treatment table, then decided to revisit it after the Chelsea game.

At the time of going to press he had been sitting for four hours, the stadium was empty, and nobody had asked him to move the bench.

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A small supporter in a white shirt, seen from behind, practises a smile in a mirror beneath a huge smiley balloon on a stadium forecourt.

Match ReportThe High Road Herald

Alonso Calls Chelsea v Spurs Nice, So Supporter Practises A Little Smile On Forecourt

Desmond Parry · Chief Football Correspondent19 October · Reading time: one pint

Xabi Alonso told TNT Sports that \"Tottenham at home next will be a nice one\" after Chelsea won 2-0 at Everton, and the fixture is at Stamford Bridge on Saturday at 17:30.

A Tottenham man has spent the morning on the stadium forecourt rehearsing a smile, after Xabi Alonso ended an interview with TNT Sports by saying "Tottenham at home next will be a nice one".

The Herald understands the remark followed Chelsea's 2-0 win at Everton on Saturday, and was delivered, as reported, with a little smile. The man has read the sentence aloud eleven times and has concluded that the smile is the operative part.

Nobody says nice about a ground unless they mean the opposite. It's a warning. So I'm going to be nice back, and we'll see who blinks.

To that end he has brought a tray of fondant fancies, which he is holding out to passers-by on a non-match day, when the forecourt contains no passers-by and one pigeon. The pigeon has declined.

The man is aware that Coventry come first, on Monday, and has noted the fact in pencil. He is also aware that Tottenham are bottom with three points from six games, and has reasoned that a nice one from a side in the top four is a different animal from a nice one in his own mouth.

He has consulted the record. The two clubs have met thirty-three times at Stamford Bridge in the Premier League, a figure he has written on the back of his left hand beneath the word nice, and which he turns to the light occasionally to check it still reads the same.

The smile itself is held for a count of four. Our correspondent observed the first attempt, which was judged a wince, and the second, which was judged a different wince. The third is understood to be under review.

The fondant fancies are going soft.

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