A tiny newsagent examines a giant glowing back with a magnifying glass over a shop counter while a footballer in white stands in the rain, seen from behind.

Injury LatestThe High Road Herald

Newsagent Forced To Hear Byfield Back Return Diagnosed Over Counter, Pointed To On Himself Twice

Clive Ottaway · Injury Correspondent17 October · Reading time: one pint

Spurs Web reports that Jun'ai Byfield, 17, has returned from a back injury after five months, coming on after 70 minutes of the Under-21s' 7-6 penalty shootout defeat at Cheltenham, and the shop sold two mints during the diagnosis.

A North London newsagent has been obliged to hear a full clinical account of Jun'ai Byfield's return from injury, delivered across the counter by a regular who came in for a single paper.

The 17-year-old, according to Spurs Web, came on as a substitute on 70 minutes for the Under-21s at Cheltenham in the EFL Trophy. It was his first competitive football in five months, following a back injury suffered in May.

The customer, a Tottenham man, placed a pound coin on the counter at 8:10am and remained for forty minutes. He described the lower back as sound, and indicated its position on his own person, twice, while the till drawer stood open.

It's the back. You don't rush a back. I've got one.

The newsagent, who has served the man since before the roundabout was altered, was then informed that Byfield made three first-team appearances last season, two in the Champions League and one in the Premier League, and that the report calls him versatile. The man listed all three. The newsagent had been present for earlier listings.

He then requested the sweet jar. A pear drop was placed at centre-back, two humbugs were sent to midfield, and a single fruit pastille was deployed at right-back to illustrate the youngster's range. The match, the newsagent was told, finished 2-2 and was lost 7-6 on penalties, with Byfield's own attempt saved. The customer called this a non-issue medically.

The report adds that the player came through the game unscathed. The customer confirmed this was the main thing, and then confirmed it again.

That's one pound ten.

The jar was returned to its shelf two sweets short.

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A tiny clerk on a stepladder stamps a giant yellow card while two faceless white-shirted footballers wait at a payroll counter.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Payroll Department Opens Register As Spurs Web Says Van Hecke And Gallagher Sit On Two Yellows

Philippa Crane · Media Editor17 October · Reading time: one pint

Spurs Web reports that no Tottenham player is close to a yellow card suspension, with Jan Paul van Hecke and Conor Gallagher the only players on two this season. The fixture against Coventry City is on Monday.

The payroll department of a mid-sized North London firm has opened a formal register of Tottenham yellow cards, following a report from Spurs Web that no player in the squad is close to a suspension.

The register, which runs to one page, was ratified at 9:40am on Friday and is kept in a lever arch file labelled only with the word Cards.

It records, as per FotMob, that Jan Paul van Hecke and Conor Gallagher are each on two. Archie Gray, Mateus Fernandes, Micky van de Ven and Destiny Udogie are on one apiece. The department confirmed that nobody else has been entered, and that the rest of the page has been left blank on purpose.

It is understood that five by the nineteenth fixture is one game. I have written it on a sticky note and put the sticky note on the second monitor.

The clerk responsible said the thresholds had been explained to the whole office twice, once on Tuesday and once again after someone asked about the ten. Ten before the thirty-second fixture is two matches. Fifteen by the end of the season is three. The department has confirmed it does not expect to need the fifteen.

The register also notes, without comment, that Tottenham received four red cards and 97 yellow cards last season in the Premier League. A member of the team has been asked to stop reading that figure aloud near the kettle.

Rodrigo Bentancur is currently serving a three-match suspension, which the department has filed under a separate heading, in a different pen, and has not discussed since.

The register will next be updated after Coventry City on Monday, subject to someone remembering the file.

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