A bowed figure in a black padded coat, seen from behind, stands over a breakfast table where a row of plates ends with one plate pushed to the last place.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

CIES £159m Spurs Ranking Passes Across Breakfast Table Until Fourth Worst Becomes Last, Adding Nothing

Philippa Crane · Media Editor17 October · Reading time: one pint

Football London reported on Saturday that Tottenham rank fourth-worst of 106 clubs for player appreciation in the CIES Football Observatory study, at -€188m (£159m), and the figure has not changed since.

A study published by the CIES Football Observatory has placed Tottenham Hotspur among the four worst clubs in the world for player appreciation over five years, and the Herald can confirm it was a single finding on its first appearance.

The figure, -€188m (£159m), sits above only Al-Hilal, Manchester United and Al-Nassr in a table of 106 clubs. It was set out by Football London shortly before ten, alongside the league position (19th), the record (three draws, three defeats) and the summer's spending.

By the second website the clubs below Spurs had been described as a handful. By the third, Spurs were near the foot of the global game. The numbers beneath those phrases had not moved.

Fourth worst, they're saying. Fourth worst out of the lot. That's last, basically.

The remark was made by a Tottenham man at a kitchen table at 8:05am, to a person who had just read the same sentence aloud to him from a phone. It is understood that he had already read it himself.

The Herald has examined each version available before lunch. The study's method, which weighs fees paid and received against current estimated values, is reproduced faithfully in all of them. The study's conclusion is reproduced with a fresh crisis in the headline of three.

No outlet contacted anyone at the CIES Football Observatory, the club or the three clubs below Spurs. Several quoted the Football London paragraph in full and then restated it in the first person.

At time of going to press the toast had gone cold, the figure stood at £159m, and the table remained fourth from the bottom.

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A tiny fan in a white shirt sits alone on a giant empty sofa with a pint, while three huge boots queue ahead towards a distant archway.

TransfersThe High Road Herald

Three Clubs Ahead Of Spurs On Antonio Nusa, So Group Chat Is Silent Until Archway

Barry Napier · Transfer Correspondent17 October · Reading time: one pint

Football Insider says Arsenal, Aston Villa and Newcastle United are ahead of Tottenham in the race for RB Leipzig winger Antonio Nusa, whom its source prices at at least £60m, and the chat has been quiet for eleven stops.

A group chat of six Tottenham supporters convened a formal session on the upper deck of a London bus on Friday morning to consider a report that three Premier League clubs have overtaken Spurs in the race for Antonio Nusa.

The report, published by Football Insider, says Arsenal, Aston Villa and Newcastle United are plotting January moves for the Leipzig winger and does not name Tottenham among the leading contenders. It is understood the chat was alerted by a link posted without comment at 7:42am.

The chair, a man in a rain jacket in the front seat, called the meeting to order by typing the word "right". He was seconded by a member who sent a single question mark, which the chair ruled was in order.

Members noted that Nusa has four goals and three assists in eight games, and the figure was read aloud twice. The report also cites an industry source who says it will take at least £60m, a sum the chat agreed was a lot of money, in the absence of a competing view.

I'm not saying we should have done more in the summer. I'm saying somebody should have asked the group.

A motion to "keep an eye on it" was carried without dissent, though the member who proposed it later asked which eye. A second motion, to note that the report expects Spurs to prioritise a number nine, was carried after one member typed "number nine" in capitals, three times, and then left the chat for four minutes.

The session then entered what the minutes describe as a period of reflection, lasting eleven stops, during which the only message sent was a photograph of the bus's own handrail.

The bus reached Archway at 8:19am and the chat was reconvened by a photograph of a pigeon.

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