A giant toaster on a kitchen counter with a line of ever-smaller radios receding behind it, and a small figure in a black coat seen from behind.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Householder Hears Carr On De Zerbi Four Times Before Toast, Each Time Miles Further Off

Philippa Crane · Media Editor15 October · Reading time: one pint

Stephen Carr told BetVictor Online Casino that Spurs, winless after six Premier League matches, need time under Roberto De Zerbi, and the interview was passed on by Football London and others, none of whom spoke to him again.

Stephen Carr's remarks on Tottenham's start under Roberto De Zerbi reached a North London kitchen table at 7.12am on Thursday. By 7.40am they had arrived four times, in four different sizes.

The original interview, given to BetVictor Online Casino and passed on by Football London, said Spurs had spent more than £300m, were winless in the Premier League after six matches, and needed time to settle. It also said Arsenal were miles ahead. That was all of it.

The first website described this as a candid assessment. The householder nodded and buttered his toast.

The second website described it as a stark warning. The householder put the knife down. Nothing had been added to the interview. The adjective had simply been moved to the front.

That's four people saying it now. It must be serious.

The householder made the remark to a kettle. The kettle declined to confirm that the four people were one person, reading from one source, in one order.

By the fourth website the nine months a new signing may take to adjust to the Premier League had become, in the headline, a countdown. It is understood the figure remained nine months throughout, and that nobody consulted a calendar.

The householder has since read the interview in full, found it reasonable, and has asked that his earlier alarm be treated as a clerical matter.

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A tiny anonymous footballer sits shrugging on a breakfast table beside a giant padlocked egg, a mallet and a boxing glove.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Mourinho Says Endrick Loan Is Impossible And Breakfast Table Counts Blow, Hammer Blow And Body Blow

Philippa Crane · Media Editor15 October · Reading time: one pint

Real Madrid's Jose Mourinho said, via Fabrizio Romano, that it is impossible for Endrick to be loaned out, a sentence of thirteen words that Spurs Web reported as a blow to Tottenham.

A Tottenham household has completed a first reading of the Endrick story at the kitchen table, then a second, and has established that the story is one sentence long.

The sentence, attributed to Jose Mourinho via Fabrizio Romano, is that it is impossible for Endrick to be loaned out. It was published by Spurs Web beneath a headline describing a hands-off message, and again, in slightly different order, beneath the first paragraph.

The Herald understands the earlier story was a Football Insider report that Madrid would loan the forward out in January and that Roberto De Zerbi's side would explore his availability. The later story is that the earlier story has been answered. Neither contains a fee.

Our correspondent, seated at the table with a piece of toast, observed the household move through three tabs in the order of reading. In the first the news was a blow. In the second it was a major blow. In the third it was a significant blow, though the sentence beneath it had not changed.

It said impossible on the first one. By the third one it was a blow. Nobody has told me what the blow was to.

Each tab was found to contain the same background: Endrick is 20, has made two appearances this season, and was named Man of the Match after thirty minutes off the bench in a 4-3 win over Roma in the Champions League. No tab contained anything the household had not already read in the tab before.

A second cup of tea was poured at this stage. The household then returned to the first tab to check whether the sentence had been updated, and it had not.

The toast was eaten cold.

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