Alonso Calls Chelsea v Spurs Nice, So Supporter Practises A Little Smile On Forecourt

A Tottenham man has spent the morning on the stadium forecourt rehearsing a smile, after Xabi Alonso ended an interview with TNT Sports by saying "Tottenham at home next will be a nice one".

The Herald understands the remark followed Chelsea's 2-0 win at Everton on Saturday, and was delivered, as reported, with a little smile. The man has read the sentence aloud eleven times and has concluded that the smile is the operative part.

Nobody says nice about a ground unless they mean the opposite. It's a warning. So I'm going to be nice back, and we'll see who blinks.

To that end he has brought a tray of fondant fancies, which he is holding out to passers-by on a non-match day, when the forecourt contains no passers-by and one pigeon. The pigeon has declined.

The man is aware that Coventry come first, on Monday, and has noted the fact in pencil. He is also aware that Tottenham are bottom with three points from six games, and has reasoned that a nice one from a side in the top four is a different animal from a nice one in his own mouth.

He has consulted the record. The two clubs have met thirty-three times at Stamford Bridge in the Premier League, a figure he has written on the back of his left hand beneath the word nice, and which he turns to the light occasionally to check it still reads the same.

The smile itself is held for a count of four. Our correspondent observed the first attempt, which was judged a wince, and the second, which was judged a different wince. The third is understood to be under review.

The fondant fancies are going soft.