A weary father in a dressing gown faces a huge cereal bowl overflowing with identical strips of paper.

Paper TalkThe High Road Herald

Father Of Two Counts Kane Bayern Stories Over Cereal And Finds The Same Paragraph

Philippa Crane · Media Editor6 October · Reading time: one pint

talkSPORT reports that Harry Kane is in the final stages of a new three-year Bayern Munich contract running to 2029, and the Herald notes that the deal remains unsigned while the toast has been eaten.

A Tottenham father of two has read the same news about Harry Kane four times before 7.40am, and reports that it became progressively more serious without becoming any longer.

The original report, from talkSPORT, states that talks over a new three-year contract at Bayern Munich, running to 2029, are in their final stages. The Herald has been unable to locate a more concrete sentence anywhere in the chain.

By the second website the final stages had become a blow. By the third, a defining blow, with hope introduced in a subordinate clause. The fourth restored the hope and moved the blow into the headline, in the interest of balance.

It said blow, and then it said hope. I don't know which one to have with my tea.

Every version carried the same supporting material in the same order: Bild's report last month that Kane's camp want a release clause, Fabrizio Romano's remarks on the Tottenham matching rights clause, and a link to the version before, which was said to have revealed it.

The Herald has examined all four pieces side by side and can confirm that no new information was added at any stage. The only figure to survive each website untouched was 47, the number of goals Kane is said to be short of Alan Shearer's record.

Same thing again, but a bit sadder this time.

The father of two is understood to be preparing to read a fifth version on his phone on the way to work, which he expects to be firmer.

The toast is cold.

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A small supporter with an oversized magnifying glass searches a vast car park, finding identical white-shirted footballers hiding behind cars everywhere.

TransfersThe High Road Herald

Supporter Searches Car Park For Pape Sarr After Spalletti Calls Him Complete Player Found Everywhere

Barry Napier · Transfer Correspondent6 October · Reading time: one pint

Juventus manager Luciano Spalletti told TuttoSport, via Sport Witness, that Pape Sarr is a complete player, and the Tottenham loanee remains in Turin with a £22.3m obligation to buy attached to his loan.

A Tottenham man spent Tuesday morning searching the car park, the forecourt and a bus shelter outside the stadium for Pape Sarr, after reading that the midfielder's manager at Juventus says you find him everywhere.

The Herald understands the remark was made by Luciano Spalletti to TuttoSport, and reached the man via Sport Witness and a third website, none of which advised him to check where the player was actually standing.

He said everywhere. I've done the car park and the megastore. The ticket office is next.

Sarr is 24 and is on loan at Juventus, who hold a £22.3m obligation to buy him next summer if he plays 50 per cent of their matches. The man has noted the figure and concluded that the paperwork will be signed on site, and has brought a pen.

Mr Spalletti also described the player as precise and punctual. The man therefore arrived at 8:55am for a search he had scheduled for nine, as a courtesy.

The same article reports that Guglielmo Vicario has been flawless at Juventus and that officials there are said to have decided to buy him. The man has extended his search to the goalkeeper's entrance as a precaution.

A steward, who was not asked, observed that it was a non-match day and the gates were shut. The man thanked him and said that was exactly where a complete player would be.

If he's complete, he'll turn up. That's what complete means.

He has gone to check the bins.

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